Table of Content
Acknowledgments Introduction CHAPTER 1: VICTIMS, VILLAINS, AND HEROES Fairy tales of conflict Roles we play Beyond the drama triangle CHAPTER 2: LESSONS FROM THE SANDBOX Grow up, already My PhD advisor can beat up your PhD advisor Themes from the playground It''s hard to see the picture when you''re in the frame Conflict as its own reward The roots of defensiveness CHAPTER 3: JUST LIKE THE MOVIES Elements of conflict stories What drives us? Our conflict dramas When did the knife go in? The journey from confrontation to collaboration CHAPTER 4: WELCOME TO TURM-OIL INC . Co-workers in conflict Black Friday CHAPTER 5: THE ASSUMPTION ICEBERG Book ''em, Dinah Motive and impact Book ''em, Dinah (revisited) CHAPTER 6: THE WOBBLY STOOL OF CONFLICT The three legs of conflict Big Bob goes bananas Diagnosing resistance Identifying the problem Respecting process needs Stabilizing the emotion Big Bob goes bananas (revisited) CHAPTER 7: THE PERILS OF ANGER MOUNTAIN Responses to anger Significance of the anger arousal cycle Strategies to defuse others'' anger The time and place for apologies CHAPTER 8: BEWARE THE CONFLICT GREMLINS Strategies to manage our own anger Get to know your gremlins What to do about our gremlins Listen to your inner coach CHAPTER 9: THE POWER OF LISTENING The North Wind and the Sun Why listen? Silence is golden Proving you understand How to get the full story A metaphor is worth a thousand words The importance of being genuine CHAPTER 10: SPINNING THE STRAW OF DEFENSIVENESS The chain reaction of defensiveness Defining defensiveness Spinning the gold of understanding Forms of defensiveness: more lessons from the sandbox Warming the climate Doug separates the person from the problem When you hit bedrock CHAPTER 11: ESCAPING THE TRAP OF POSITIONS No room at the inn for Vic Trapped by positions Naming the topic The key to collaboration -- interests and needs Shifting from positions to interests CHAPTER 12: PROBING THE DEPTHS OF CONFLICT Shifting judgment to curiosity All questions are not created equal Peeling the onion for the real story I''ll show you mine if ... Ask only if you really want to know CHAPTER 13: STANDING UP FOR OURSELVES (WITHOUT KNOCKING THE OTHER PERSON DOWN) An alternative to fight or flight Passive behavior Aggressive behavior "I" statements The difficult person story "I''m okay. They need professional help" Describing the difficult behavior First within, then without The D-E-S statement When the other person doesn''t respond A few tips CHAPTER 14: THE ROAD TO RESOLUTION Preparing to meet Doug''s preparation to meet with Marko Steps to collaboration The conflict resolution two-step CHAPTER 15: TIPS FOR THE TRAVELER Being a warrior of the heart The inner work Active curiosity Focusing on specific skills Changing the dance Don''t go it alone Other tips Resources Bibliography Index About the Author
